Post by OliveChan on Jul 5, 2013 23:59:44 GMT -7
Soo.. were to start. I've been having some problems recently. I just graduated school but I have an extension some of the work I was suppose to do but I ended up getting sick before the course ended. I found I was under a lot of pressure, and I don't know why, it wasn't really the work load is was more or else my anxiety. I thought I would be happy to finish school and I thought I would be happy to finally getting what I always wanted. A career in what I love!
But that's not the case. I find myself sad; maybe not really sad- more like melodically. No matter how much I tell myself that I deserve this. No matter how much I tell myself I need this.. my heart doesn't agree with me. For some reason it feels like it's not good enough and that no matter how hard I try I'm going to fail at this, hence why I'm on the brink of failing. I'm dragging myself down even though I know better.
I'm not someone who understands my emotions well, at least not since I was a teenager. I can understand other people but to me, I'm a mistery. I tried so hard to show people I was good enough and that I'm worthy. I got angry and did this course to prove the bullies, my family and some ex-boyfriends and friends that I was worthy of them and that they should regret ever losing me. But at the end of the program I crashed, and started to willow in these longed buried emotions of uselessness. I know my art is good... but me as in general. I just don't feel good enough, and now I'm scared my teachers hate me. I've missed so much school or tried to stay away from them but it's not because I'm an asshole, I've just kind of lost my way and I wish I could tell them, but it's hard to face them. They are so sweet and cute and to make them feel like shit, makes me feel like shit. I just wish I could figure this out without them and without dragging others with me.
Anyways, I thought I should get it out because no matter how hard I try I can't seem to shake this feeling.
Thanks for Reading.
Olive
But that's not the case. I find myself sad; maybe not really sad- more like melodically. No matter how much I tell myself that I deserve this. No matter how much I tell myself I need this.. my heart doesn't agree with me. For some reason it feels like it's not good enough and that no matter how hard I try I'm going to fail at this, hence why I'm on the brink of failing. I'm dragging myself down even though I know better.
I'm not someone who understands my emotions well, at least not since I was a teenager. I can understand other people but to me, I'm a mistery. I tried so hard to show people I was good enough and that I'm worthy. I got angry and did this course to prove the bullies, my family and some ex-boyfriends and friends that I was worthy of them and that they should regret ever losing me. But at the end of the program I crashed, and started to willow in these longed buried emotions of uselessness. I know my art is good... but me as in general. I just don't feel good enough, and now I'm scared my teachers hate me. I've missed so much school or tried to stay away from them but it's not because I'm an asshole, I've just kind of lost my way and I wish I could tell them, but it's hard to face them. They are so sweet and cute and to make them feel like shit, makes me feel like shit. I just wish I could figure this out without them and without dragging others with me.
Anyways, I thought I should get it out because no matter how hard I try I can't seem to shake this feeling.
Thanks for Reading.
Olive
maybe it's just something I need to let it run it's course and just continue working on what I can. I'll start tomorrow and really buckle down. I need to focus and damn I have to do this, if I don't past I'm only going to fall even more.
/